It's been months since I've written, but little has changed. My doctor and I are still trying to find an antidepressant that works. I'm having a lot more and worse side effects than usual this year.
I seem to be going through the gamut (sp?) of symptoms. Now I have weakness, lack of balance and vertigo just started recently.
We're having a particularly hot summer so that isn't helping. I have to stay inside with the AC most of the time. And this year I don't feel like going down in the basement to cool off. Maybe it's part of my depression but I don't want to be cut off like that.
Sara's second baby is due any day, so that's something to look forward to. Our relationship is no better. Sunday was my birthday and she couldn't be bothered to even come over to see me, not even a card or phone call. If it weren't for Hadley, I probably wouldn't even see her.
Still very little motivation but I try to get something done everyday. My house isn't in the shape that I would like it but hopefully I'll feel better in the fall and be able to catch up.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Sunday, February 27, 2011
My MS Day Sunday February 27, 2011
My depression got really bad and I wasn't motivated to do anything for the last couple of months. The weakness I started feeling while working out continued as well, and in addition more balance problems. So, I've been hunkering down in my house for the most part since I last wrote. My psychiatrist had me stay on bupropion and tried Cymbalta, but I couldn't stand the side effects this time. I felt like a zombie with no emotions at all.
So, now I'm taking Lexipro, 3 weeks tomorrow, and I think it's starting to help. This time anxiety has been just as bad or worse than the depression. I've been worrying about every thing, including driving, which is one reason I don't go out very much.
I've been going over to my daughter's to see my granddaughter and the other kids once a week and hope I can increase that soon. So far I haven't felt up to taking care of her which really bothers me.
I don't think the MS flare up is getting better yet, just that the meds are helping the depression. I don't feel happy, just not so depressed.
So, now I'm taking Lexipro, 3 weeks tomorrow, and I think it's starting to help. This time anxiety has been just as bad or worse than the depression. I've been worrying about every thing, including driving, which is one reason I don't go out very much.
I've been going over to my daughter's to see my granddaughter and the other kids once a week and hope I can increase that soon. So far I haven't felt up to taking care of her which really bothers me.
I don't think the MS flare up is getting better yet, just that the meds are helping the depression. I don't feel happy, just not so depressed.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
My MS Day January 5, 2011
Today I decided not to go work out again until I see the physical therapist. I'm worried that I may be doing something to make my back worse. I'm doing better with the depression. I met someone on Match.com and had dinner with him last night. That's great for lifting my spirits.
I'm still having trouble getting motivated to clean the house. It's really cold and windy outside and it's hard to keep the house warm enough. I'm using that as an excuse I know. I got the Swiffer out and cleaned the kitchen floor a little. My Bichons are staying inside a lot because of the cold and snow and ice outside. So the kitchen is dirtier. I would feel better if I would just get motivated and clean, I know. But MS depression just takes hold of me and won't let go.
I think I'll take a nap. My down comforter is calling my name.
I'm still having trouble getting motivated to clean the house. It's really cold and windy outside and it's hard to keep the house warm enough. I'm using that as an excuse I know. I got the Swiffer out and cleaned the kitchen floor a little. My Bichons are staying inside a lot because of the cold and snow and ice outside. So the kitchen is dirtier. I would feel better if I would just get motivated and clean, I know. But MS depression just takes hold of me and won't let go.
I think I'll take a nap. My down comforter is calling my name.
Monday, January 3, 2011
My MS Day January 3, 2011
At my workout today I realized another side effect of this depression is I haven't had much appetite. I've been feeling less energy at my workouts and I also feel kind of weak. It's really difficult to make myself eat more but I'm trying to concentrate on more protein.
I got the results of the MRI of my back last night. I have some bulging discs and made an appointment with a physical therapist next week. I want to find out what the best machines to use are at the gym and also which ones might be detrimental. I can't really tell myself when I'm using the machines.
One good thing that I've noticed is that I'm sleeping a lot better. I'm still taking Trazodone to help me sleep but wonder if I can cut down on it?
I got the results of the MRI of my back last night. I have some bulging discs and made an appointment with a physical therapist next week. I want to find out what the best machines to use are at the gym and also which ones might be detrimental. I can't really tell myself when I'm using the machines.
One good thing that I've noticed is that I'm sleeping a lot better. I'm still taking Trazodone to help me sleep but wonder if I can cut down on it?
Sunday, January 2, 2011
My MS Day Sunday January 2, 2011
My depression is getting worse and I now recognise it as MS depression. I hope the Bupropion will start working in less than 3 weeks! I don't know of anything else to do but keep busy. As always in the past, that's difficult because I don't really feel like doing anything. It's so difficult getting motivated but I'm really pushing myself.
I was at church all morning, starting a new class that will be every Sunday morning at 9:15 until the middle of April. It looks like it will be good. I belong to a Unitarian Universalist Church and this class is on the Principles and Sources of the church.
I also spoke with an artist friend who convinced me to sign up for her class at the Foothills Art Center. I'm not sure about this because there will be assignments every week and it may be a lot of work! That's considering that I also already signed up for another group at church that will be meeting weekly and I don't know what day that will be yet.
Overdoing it probably won't help either.
I was at church all morning, starting a new class that will be every Sunday morning at 9:15 until the middle of April. It looks like it will be good. I belong to a Unitarian Universalist Church and this class is on the Principles and Sources of the church.
I also spoke with an artist friend who convinced me to sign up for her class at the Foothills Art Center. I'm not sure about this because there will be assignments every week and it may be a lot of work! That's considering that I also already signed up for another group at church that will be meeting weekly and I don't know what day that will be yet.
Overdoing it probably won't help either.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
My MS Day Saturday January 1 2011
I thought I was so smart a few months ago that against my psychiatrist's advice, I went off my maintenance dose of bupropion (Wellbutrin). I hadn't felt depressed in so long and I was trying to get off as many drugs as possible, that I stopped taking it.
Now in the last couple of weeks, I find that I am feeling depressed again. I have felt stressed over new health problems, so I don't know if the depression is from the stress or maybe from MS stress, which I've had before. Anyway, I discussed going back on the drug with my doctor and started a few days ago. Of course it takes weeks sometimes to actually start working. So, it's not helping yet.
All of my problems seem worse right now because of the depression I think. I'm also having a difficult time getting motivated to get anything done around the house. Outside temps in the single digits aren't helping much either.
I am keeping up with my 3 times per week work outs at the gym and am pleased with this. I also want to start volunteering at the MS day center which just moved fairly close to where I live a few months ago. I keep making excuses, like I need to clean my house first, but I think I'll call them on Monday.
I used to spend a lot of time at my daughter's day care center in her home but I'm cutting down on that. She recently moved farther away and I don't have the best relationship with my daughter. I'm not sure why but it is stressful for me which I don't need right now. Personality conflict I guess. I feel that she's always picking on me for something I've done wrong so best to stay away. The difficult part is missing my 19mo old granddaughter.
Now in the last couple of weeks, I find that I am feeling depressed again. I have felt stressed over new health problems, so I don't know if the depression is from the stress or maybe from MS stress, which I've had before. Anyway, I discussed going back on the drug with my doctor and started a few days ago. Of course it takes weeks sometimes to actually start working. So, it's not helping yet.
All of my problems seem worse right now because of the depression I think. I'm also having a difficult time getting motivated to get anything done around the house. Outside temps in the single digits aren't helping much either.
I am keeping up with my 3 times per week work outs at the gym and am pleased with this. I also want to start volunteering at the MS day center which just moved fairly close to where I live a few months ago. I keep making excuses, like I need to clean my house first, but I think I'll call them on Monday.
I used to spend a lot of time at my daughter's day care center in her home but I'm cutting down on that. She recently moved farther away and I don't have the best relationship with my daughter. I'm not sure why but it is stressful for me which I don't need right now. Personality conflict I guess. I feel that she's always picking on me for something I've done wrong so best to stay away. The difficult part is missing my 19mo old granddaughter.
Friday, December 31, 2010
My MS Day December 31, 2010
It's the last day of the year and this past couple of weeks things have started happening which may or may not be related to my MS.
In part, I'm pretty sure it is. Back in March, I fell flat on my back and hit my head hard on the floor in my bathroom. It was early in the morning and I was standing in my hall outside the bathroom door. I have no idea how this happened. One minute I was standing; the next I was falling backward and hit the floor very hard. I didn't pass out but lay there stunned for a couple of minutes. I called Kaiser, my health insurance and went in to be checked out a couple hours later. They did a CT-scan of my head and didn't find any problem.
Over the summer, I started noticing problems with back pain but never associated it with that fall. I only got the pain if I stood for a long time, for example cooking.
Lately the pain has gotten worse to the point that I also notice it sitting for a long time.
About a month ago I decided to start working out at 24Hr Fitness. I had a couple reasons for this. I thought it might help with the muscles in my back and I've also read that physical exercise is the best thing for the cognitive problems I have from MS. In addition, with the "Silver Sneakers" program at Kaiser, I can go to the gym free. I am paying for a personal trainer, however, to be sure I'm using the machines and weights correctly.
Since the pain is getting worse and worse I've also contacted my doctor. She had me get several x-rays which showed an old compression fracture of my thoracic spine (from my fall?). I also had an MRI yesterday to further clarify what the problem might be. From what the doctor said I'm really not sure what can be done about my problem, depending on what it is of course.
As with so many things over the years, I have this niggling suspicion - what if this pain is actually being caused by MS, in other words - by my brain and my back is really OK? I've had this happen so many times before. I have all the tests for something and nothing can be found. So, the doctors have to admit it must be MS.
Of course, the newest information indicates that there is little new MS activity in the brain in the 60's and 70's and I'm 64. So, I'll find out something next week.
In part, I'm pretty sure it is. Back in March, I fell flat on my back and hit my head hard on the floor in my bathroom. It was early in the morning and I was standing in my hall outside the bathroom door. I have no idea how this happened. One minute I was standing; the next I was falling backward and hit the floor very hard. I didn't pass out but lay there stunned for a couple of minutes. I called Kaiser, my health insurance and went in to be checked out a couple hours later. They did a CT-scan of my head and didn't find any problem.
Over the summer, I started noticing problems with back pain but never associated it with that fall. I only got the pain if I stood for a long time, for example cooking.
Lately the pain has gotten worse to the point that I also notice it sitting for a long time.
About a month ago I decided to start working out at 24Hr Fitness. I had a couple reasons for this. I thought it might help with the muscles in my back and I've also read that physical exercise is the best thing for the cognitive problems I have from MS. In addition, with the "Silver Sneakers" program at Kaiser, I can go to the gym free. I am paying for a personal trainer, however, to be sure I'm using the machines and weights correctly.
Since the pain is getting worse and worse I've also contacted my doctor. She had me get several x-rays which showed an old compression fracture of my thoracic spine (from my fall?). I also had an MRI yesterday to further clarify what the problem might be. From what the doctor said I'm really not sure what can be done about my problem, depending on what it is of course.
As with so many things over the years, I have this niggling suspicion - what if this pain is actually being caused by MS, in other words - by my brain and my back is really OK? I've had this happen so many times before. I have all the tests for something and nothing can be found. So, the doctors have to admit it must be MS.
Of course, the newest information indicates that there is little new MS activity in the brain in the 60's and 70's and I'm 64. So, I'll find out something next week.
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